Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The Gift :: The Curse

I avoid it. I avoid it at all cost.

The very few people who have kept up with my blog since the beginning know exactly what I'm talking about. I avoid talking about very touchy topics that can be looked upon as "sad", "negative", or even "depressing".

I've created this world through social networks to view me as this positive optimistic blogger/photographer whose life consists of photo adventures, eating frozen yogurt, and traveling while trying to fully enjoy this short life we have, but let me tell you something.... 

What do I mean by that exactly? I mean that I too have my off days, my days where I question life and wonder "why does THIS have to happen to ME". I have my days where I don't want to blog... I've had fights with friends, lost loved ones, broken hearts, been hurt on more than one occasion and what do I do? I choose to not remember it... I choose to move forward, why? because its life and if you fix yourself up on one thing, it can consume your life.

Sometimes I wish I can forget events that have happened in my life, I wish I could start over with a fresh slate. I use to think that people who had unforgivable diseases such as alzheimer's had a gift to forget things they don't want to remember.

The reality of this unforgivable disease is that you don't have a choice and in turn... it can be a curse. You can loose it all in the blink of an eye and its scary.... and I witnessed it first hand with my own family. My grandmother.

3 months ago my grandmother on my Dads side had flown across Puerto Rico to the states, to stay with my family and I. My grandma Marina has stage 6 in alzheimer's in which she has no recollection of events that span from years ago all the way to 1 hour ago. Although this unforgivable disease doesn't take as big of a tole on the very long term memory, its damages can be hurtful to not only the victim, but the witnesses as well, as this disease robs someone of an entire life

This disease or gift, allows for forgiveness easily, happy times, and an easy going life. This disease or curse allows for instant mood changes, and forgetting not only memories that are not wanted..... but the ones that are wanted as well...

Everyday was a new adventure from going on walks into the forest, family gatherings, and swims in the pool to singing and dancing like there was no worry in the world, but everyday the same adventure could've been repeated and my grandma wouldn't know the difference.

After three months away from her birth place of Puerto Rico, she found her self on her way back home and the sad part about it...... as my parents drove away  with her to the air port I began to realize that when she wakes up in the morning "will she remember the three months that she was here with us?"... will she remember the times she had meeting her latest grandchildren who are my recent niece and nephew?

these thoughts consumed me and I came to the realization that this "gift" was a "curse" and I know that in time more people will leave this world and more people will enter it. I chose to write blogs to express how I feel, to document my journey in life and photography. I chose to write because when I'm older I want my children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren to remember me.... I want to remember me.

I want to remember the journey I had. there are very horrific diseases out there, some more forgiving than others, but one that strips you of your memories gives reason to believe "what's the point of life if you can't remember any of it" and that is something I will not tolerate. life is too short, and I pray on my life that I never get placed with this curse.

I love you grandma Marina and I'm writing this to always look back and appreciate the short life we have full of memories I have not only with you, but everyone else who means the world to me.

Thank you for everything grandma...... and let me just tell you on a lighter note....

you're the most photogenic woman I've ever met in my life


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